Had to
by Nina28
Summary: If you love someone set himher freeAu TonyMichelle, set between third and fourth season.


Had To 

Disclaimer: Tony Almeida and Michelle Dressler belong to Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran, Howard Gordon, Kiefer Sutherland and a bunch of other people at Fox. No copyright infringement is intended.

Pairing: Tony/Michelle

Rating: AU, but only because I wrote this before Tony came back!

Setting: Between day 3 and day 4 Spoilers: day 2 and day 3

Summary: "If you love someone set him/her free"

I have to do that. She is beautiful and so young…  
She deserves more. She has to have more. More than a hour each week. More than a Plexiglas window and a damn telephone.

She will be waiting for me. Will she wear her hair down?  
My God, how much I miss touching her hair. How much I miss her smell on my skin.

She will be waiting for me…and I will do what I have to do.

I will do what it needs to be done.

I didn't screw up my whole life for…this.  
I didn't screw up my whole life to see her withering inside.

For me For us.  
For the only choice I could make.

I'm no Jack Bauer…I wasn't ready to let her die. I'm not ready to kill her from the inside.

She will be waiting for me. She will smile at me, with her lips…but I know the smile won't reach her eyes.

She will fill me with warmth…

And I will tell her.

So, maybe her eyes will laugh again, one day. So, maybe she will laugh again, one day.

I made her laugh on our first date. We laughed so hard that people turned and looked at us.

I've always wondered how did we look like to them: a man and a woman, hanging on each other, laughing so hard that tears streamed down their faces.

Tears of happiness.

Did we look like we were in love to them?  
I know I already was. I still am. I still love her.

That's why I have to do that.

I've been watching the ceiling for hours, trying to steel myself. I've been seeing her with my mind's eyes, trying to…trying to do the right thing.

I have to. That's what I keep telling myself as I get to see her. And I walk toward her.

Breathe…I focus on my breathing, trying to stead the beating of my heart. Why do I even bother? It's not like she will be able to hear that. She used to…she used to listen to my heart beating after we made love, she used to sleep on my heart at nights.

I have to.

I sit down in front of her.

Funny how it still kills me that we can't touch each other.

I have to do that. I love you, Michelle.

Please, understand this...understand that I have to.

"Hi, there!" You say. You manage a little smile. A nervous smile.

Did I ever tell you how beautiful you were the day we got married?  
You were so radiant…so full of life. So full of joy and hope.

We hoped it could be forever.

"Hey" I say.

I wanted to forget how good a CTU agent I was. I loved my job. I loved serving my country. I was good.

I can still be.

Do you know that part of me, love?  
Will you see it?

You do what you have to do. Regardless of what it may costs you personally. I learned that…I learned that from the men and women I served with.

I have to, sweetheart.

"The guys send their love…" You say.

Sweet, Michelle. You say that every time.

"Michelle…" I say.

_I love you…_

You look at me. And for a moment I see a glimpse of the old you in your eyes, in the way you tuck away a lock from your brow.

"What?" You ask.

I have to, Michelle. Time has come.

I owe it to you.

For every moment we spent together

"It's over"

_I love you…_

For our kisses.

_I love you_

"What's over?" You ask. You're frowning. You don't understand, yet.

For our laughter.

I will make sure you do. I have to.

I love you.

There is disbelief in your eyes and pain, when I say, "You…me…this charade…it's over!"

I feel like I've just been gutted, but I said that.

You're shaking your head and say, "What are you talking about?"

"I want it over, Michelle"

I can see how strongly you're gripping that stupid piece of plastic in your hand.

"Tony, sweetheart…" You say after a second, "I know this is hard, for you…"

"You know, nothing!" I hiss, "You are not here!"

"I am!" Your voice comes out as a watery whisper, and I have to force myself not to grip the plastic of the receiver as well.

"I am…" You say again, "I'm here, with you…I can see it…in your eyes…can't you?"

Dammit, Michelle you're not making this simple…

I keep looking at you, and I know my face isn't betraying what I have inside…I know, because it hurts so damn much to keep up the façade.

"Maybe…maybe not. I'm not changing my mind about it. It's over…it's been over for months."

You blink. Do you understand why am I doing this? Do you understand why I have to? I hope to God you don't. I hope to God you believe me.

_Dio mio, let her believe._

"Tony…why are you doing this?"

I can see how strongly you're fighting not to let the tears fall down.  
I see it…I can feel it. I can hear tears in your voice…

This is the last time you will cry for me…because of me, love. I swear.

_to have and to hold, for better and for worse…_

"I don't understand…" You're shaking your head, now.

"There's nothing to understand" I say. And God, why does it have to hurt like that?

Why does it have to hurt you like that to set you free?  
Yet, I have to.

"Our marriage is over" I say.

"Just like that?" You ask. And there is ice now in your voice, resolve. Did you look like that, in that hotel? With tears glistening in your eyes and resolve behind them?

I shrug. I don't trust my voice, now. I don't think I can talk and still pull it off. Yet I have to. For you, love.

You blink once, twice. I can hear your heart breaking and I wonder whether you can hear mine.

I can taste tears in the back of my throat, but my eyes are dry.

"Don't I have a say in the matter?" You ask.

I can see the tears, now. I can hear them in your voice and I wish I could just reach out and touch you and tell you that I don't mean it…but I can't. I owe you this…I have to, Michelle.

"You don't."

Time is almost up and for the first time I'm glad about it.

That's the last time I'm going to see you, Michelle. The last time I'm going to hear your voice.  
The last time I'm going to lose myself in your eyes. The last time I'll be as close to you.

And I cannot event touch you.

"It would be best if you…" I start. And for a moment my voice cracks. For a moment I'm actually breathless.

Will I feel like that for ever?

"It would be best" I say again, forcing my voice to be sharp. Forcing myself to look anywhere but at you. "if you didn't come here ..."

You start at my words, almost as if I had slapped you.

I remember the first time I saw you, I remember thinking how beautiful...how pure you looked. I remember wondering why the hell were you working for CTU...why the hell you wanted to let that place stain you.

I didn't know how strong you were, how determined, how idealist.

I rememeber the first time we kissed, and how my cheeks hurt for having laughed so much before we kissed. I remenber wiping the tears away from your face with my thumbs. I remember thinking that I would have loved to kiss you, to hold you for the rest of my life.

I wanted it to last forever.

I still do...

But I have to let you go. I have to.

You are talking, I can't really hear what you're saying, I'm blocking you out. The last time I can hear your voice, and I'm not even listening.

"...love me anymore?" You ask.

I frown. Time is up. I look at you and I don't care for a second whether you realize that I'm now gripping the phone. I force myself not to clear my throat, it hurts when I say: "This has nothing to do with love"

The greatest lie of all. And I'm looking at you, allowing to lose myself in your eyes, just this one last time.

A guard is behind me, silently urging me to get up.

"Do you..." You start, and I see how you're struggling for control.

"I got to go, now..." I say.

I get up, but your eyes freeze me, begging me for one more second.

I can't.

Forgive me, Michelle. I can't.

Yet, I have to.

I owe it to us.

I look at you...for the last time. You're talking, and although I can't hear your voice, I read your lips while you ask me: "Do you hate me for what happened?"

I take a step closer to the glass, incredibly enough the guards aren't getting closer to me. Do they have a clue about what's going on? Do they know I'm setting you free? Do they know it's killing me?

Your left hand is up, pressed against the glass. In the months I've been here, you have never done that. I see tears on your cheeks and others welling up in your eyes.

I wish I was strong enough...to cry, to let it go, but I can't, not now.

I stretch my arm so that my hand covers yours through the glass.

"Never…" I whisper.

A sob escapes from your lips. I can't hear you, yet I felt it, deep down my very soul.

"Never…" I repeat.

The question in your eyes is almost too much for me, for my resolve. I close my hand, the one pressed against the window in a fist and lower my gaze. I have to…or else I will break.

Time is up. For real this time. This is the last time we'll ever see each other as husband and wife, this is the last time…and I'm not looking at you as I slowly get up from the chair to come back to my cell.

I feel your eyes on me as I slowly leave.

I graze my wedding ring with my fingertips, as I force myself to walk, away from you, step by step. It's killing me to free you, to give up on you…but it's the right thing.

You will smile again, even if not for me.  
Your eyes will lit up with love…and hope.  
You will be free.

Darkness…  
It looks so damn dark here, now. I can still feel you…looking at me, are there still tears in your eyes?

I wish I could turn and look at you, one last time. I can't though. I have to keep walking, step by step, I have to keep forcing myself to breath.

Forgive me, love…forgive me for freeing you the only way I could…by lying to you.

Forgive me, for not being there, with you, to dry your tears…

I had to, Michelle. I had to, love. For you, for us…

I had to…

The End.


End file.
